Mel Brooks is a genius. He is not only personally responsible for the funniest song in the history of the universe (“Springtime… For Hitler… and Germany! Winter… for Poland… and France!” accompanied by high-kicking leather-clad Nazettes), he is also clearly a prescient political philosopher of the first order.

He may even have had Canada in mind when he wrote this trenchant line for Dark Helmet, in the movie Spaceballs:

Evil will always triumph over Good, because Good is dumb.

I can’t find a link to this news (although Ravishing Light takes note of this same report), but it appears the Mensa Team over at the CPC convention has voted to change the merger deal between the CA and the PCs (the old ex post facto contract switcheroo! a brilliant ploy!). Whereas Peter MacKay et al. agreed to merge with the CA on the basis that each riding would have the same weight when it came to determining party policy (read: so that Quebec and Atlantic Tories would feel at home in a party composed mostly of Westerners), the professoriate at the CPC convention has decided that Alberta is under-represented within the CPC hierarchy, and therefore ridings with more members should be able to control the direction of the party. Now apparently MacKay is threatening to resign or eat his own head or something.

Short pause to control blood pressure.

Nope, didn’t work.

WHAT ARE YOU FRICKIN’ FRICK-A-FRICKS THINKING? ARE YOU ALL FRICKIN’ *%&^#$@%^$ STUPID? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT THE WAY FOR THE TORIES TO WIN

WIN

WIN THE NEXT ELECTION IS TO MAKE SURE THAT ALBERTA AND B.C EXERT GREATER CONTROL OVER PARTY POLICY?

I’M JUST ASKING! ‘CAUSE IT SURE FRICKIN’ SEEMS LIKE THAT!

I’m so g*dd*mn angry at this that if an election were held RIGHT THIS FRICKIN’ MINUTE I would probably vote for the g*dd*mn NDP or something.

I don’t understand the CPC. I really don’t. I REALLY don’t. How is it even possible that:

(a) a majority of the working group on this issue thinks it is a fine idea to start off the first day of the convention with a freakin’ bombshell, and we HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED TALKING ABOUT GAY POLYGAMISTS ABORTING THEIR THIRD-TRIMESTER IMMIGRANT FETUSES yet?

(b) the Tory “braintrust” (insert your own frickin’ joke here, ’cause I’m too pissed off) lets this kind of microcephalic delusional crap even get off the ground. Does no-one have a g*dd*mn brain over at CPC headquarters? Does the concept of “management” even enter your thick stupid thick submoronic skulls? Don’t you understand your responsibility here?

Let me spell it out for you f**kmonkeys.

When you are organizing a meeting like this, you need to take care of a few things BEFORE THE FRICKIN’ MEETING EVEN STARTS.

Things like:
(a) make sure that nothing that will utterly destroy the party is allowed to be discussed (like, oh, I don’t know, the ink-isn’t-even-dry-on-it founding merger document!)
(b) make sure that the working groups can’t do anything so frickin’ stupid that you want to start poking your own eyes out with a fork, if only because the pain and blindness will then distract you from their frickin’ apocalyptic stupidity. For example, you might (i) ensure that every working group is stacked with “sensible” people, or failing that (because maybe there aren’t enough “sensible” people in the Tory party, a position I am slowly coming to all on my own), maybe you (ii) charge each working group with the political equivalent of sitting at the kids’ table: “now you all go off and make youselves busybusybusy! Aren’t you cute, you little working group! Why don’t you… er… I know! Once you’re finished colouring, you can identify the main arguments for and against each of the policies under discussion, or maybe rank the policies under discussion as being central or not central to the Tory election platform or something non-threatening like that.”

Instead we get a few Reform Party zombies stinking up the place with these “go screw yourselves” messages to the Quebec and the Atlantic provinces. Hey, I’m a Reform Party zombie myself, so I think I’m entitled to talk like that. Speaking of Reform Party zombies, maybe I should be grateful: at least the CPC Working Group on Electoral Suicide hasn’t yet voted to ban turbans on RCMP officers. Or maybe they have. I can’t watch CPAC at work, so I guess I’ll have to wait ’til I get home to find out.

And don’t even get me started on intergalactic supergenius Cheryl Gallant (motto: “I love Jesus, and if you don’t I hope you burn in hell! Have a nice day!!”).

Don Martin wrote an article in today’s Post about how the Tories were going to screw up their convention. I must be dumber today than usual, because I honestly thought he was wrong.

Stupid me for thinking the CPC had two neurons between them. Stupid me. Stupid them.

p.s. here’s the MacKay link. I don’t know what to say. Shrieking “&%*&(*(*$#^^*$^%$#” at the top of my voice doesn’t seem to cut it.